- THE MAGAZINE
There’s nothing quite like this annual spectacle of analysis and excess. Enormous specimens of humanity being poked, prodded, weighed, measured and mulled over like so much prime beef; talking heads regurgitating the work of a thousand beat writers and making it appear to be their own; eyelid-lowering monotony punctuated by instants of action; hot wings, chili and frosty beverages because, yes, you have convinced yourself that this does indeed qualify as a sporting event, and so the appropriate supplies must be requisitioned and deployed in order to fully enjoy the divvying up of the best and the bright…well, the best football players that money can buy.
Now, here’s a theory for you to disregard, fanciful musings formed in the waning minutes leading up to Mr. Irrelevant: what if the cleaning industry held a draft? Wait, too much, too boring. But a combine? Ahh, now there’s something to very, very briefly consider.
Imagine: on the synthetic-fiber field, 300 cleaners, young, new to the business, well-trained, certified and in search of gainful employment. In the stands sit representatives of 100 top-tier cleaning companies, franchises and independents alike, looking for the best technicians they can find.
During the next three days the cleaners are put through their paces: fiber identification; wand technique; spot and stain removal; the ability to maintain professionalism in the face of an infuriated, misinformed client with wholly unrealistic expectations; the running-hose-to-the-2nd-floor dash; rotary-machine bench press reps; vertical leap and, of course, the Wonderlic.
All kidding aside, what would you do? If you were the commissioner of the cleaning industry (not to take anything away from Pete Consigli), what tests would you use to determine, quantifiably, the best technician?